It's Okay to Not Be Okay

Written by Dr. Claire Muselman

As an eternal optimist there so many times when people will tell you to stay positive, look on the bright side, or it could have been worse. There are times you may think being positive is the only way to get through difficult or challenging circumstances. To always see the brighter side, to always find the glass half full, to always know that the sun will shine again…these are all great mindsets to have and it is also okay to not be okay. A balance exists with optimism and realism.

It is okay to not be okay. Contrary to popular opinion, sometimes it really is best to sit with our feelings and embrace our emotions. Feelings come and go like ocean waves. When we trap the energy from some of the less desirable emotions, the energy from these feelings will resurface like a monsoon of emotion. Being authentic takes an understanding of knowing when to look for the brighter side and also knowing when to sit with whatever we are feeling. Self-compassion is an imperative component of self-care and one that should be granted to ourselves with grace especially in times where we do not feel our best.

We have come to embrace what is known as toxic positivity, where everything is awesome all of the time and if we do not feel ecstatic about life 100% of the time, something is wrong with us. It is okay to not be okay.

It is okay to sit with our feelings, to journal them, to reach out to friends, and to understand that it is okay to sit with feelings that do not necessarily feel good. Problems begin to exist when these feelings take over everything, encompassing many avenues of our lives, and that is not what this article is meant to cover. There are times where professional help and intervention is needed for proper healing. We need to do a better job of active listening to our friends and family when things are not going well.

We need to stop problem solving for others and create a psychologically safe space for our friends and family members who need to express the vulnerabilities from these emotions. Today might not be the very best day. It is okay. This will soon pass and there is a shiny sun-rising day in the future. It may not feel great today, it may not be great tomorrow. Eventually, the waves will calm and we will be back to feeling better.

We so quickly want to solve problems for others when we hear their world is going awry. We listen to put a positive spin and we should be listening to understand. Listening to understand is how we learn from one another. We do not simply hear what someone is going through but we listen. By actively listening, both parties are able to open their minds to better manage emotions. This channels our skillsets of empathy and emotional intelligence.

It is okay to not be okay. Process and find healthy outlets to move forward with whatever traumatic event has occurred. This can be the death of a friend or a family member, the passing of a relationship, having an off morning, or not pursuing opportunities you may have previously sought.

Where we find error in our ways is when we do not process these emotions. We stuff our feelings into a box, put it in the closet, and never want to think about it again. We have got to do better for one another and better for ourselves to allow space when these situations are being communicated.

We need to not instantly go to “well it could have been worse” or “look on the bright side”. It is okay to not be okay. And when we can become comfortable with the uncomfortable, knowing that this will pass, and that we will feel great again at some point, our feelings can move on as they process. It is okay to understand that our feelings will be heavy for a small amount of time but that the heavy nature will lift. We owe it to ourselves to be accountable and to show up to find healthy avenues to get these feelings to process.

Trauma comes in a lot of different forms. Never forget the pain is here to teach a lesson. The lesson might not always be clear, but the lesson is always there. Sometimes that means looking deep inside to find something needing to be explored, to be cleaned out and unpacked, or possibly, letting go of something no longer our current state hindering progress forward. Sometimes it is taking an act of self-respect and standing up for things that we might not have seen as prevalent as we needed to grow. The pain is here to teach a lesson and make things better. These lessons continue to repeat themselves until we pay attention and make the necessary changes. So it’s OKAY to not be OKAY, just do not forget there is a lesson inside. The pain does not pass without becoming better as a result of it.

Five ways to help yourself:

1. Journal your emotions. Whatever you feel, write it out. If you do not want to use a journal, find a piece of paper and take the time to write out whatever you are thinking, processing, or feeling. You can always rip the paper up or throw it away. The art of writing is therapeutic and will help process the emotions.

2. Get outside. The open air, sunlight, and being in an outdoor environment can boost your mental space. Feeling sunlight on your face, increasing your vitamin D, and getting some ‘green’ therapy can be very therapeutic. When I am in a ‘mood’ I like to go find a trail with a tree canopy. The green color and the fresh air can do so much to energize my soul. Mother Nature has a great way of reminding us what is important and how connected we truly are to the universe. Plus, going for a walk is a great way to increase endorphins!

3. Meditate & Breathe. Meditation can be found in a plethora of areas. Find what works for you. The idea is to quiet your mind. If you are in a funky headspace, clearing out your mind can have its benefits to reset. Focus on your breath and the beautiful simplicity of inhaling/exhaling. This can be found in sitting still, in running, getting lost in music while dancing, whatever works for YOU.

4. Smile & Move. Find a reason to smile. Locate a photo that jogs a memory, listen to a song that makes you feel alive, smell a scent you adore… find something to trigger your happiness to genuinely smile. There are times where I need a quick ‘The Office’ clip to whole-heartedly laugh. Also like to have a ‘sunshine’ kit where focus is placed on the five senses to trigger reminders of the greatness within yourself. Movement is also quite powerful. From going on a walk to dancing it out, get your body to move and it will help process the emotions you are feeling.

5. Most importantly, build a tribe. Circle your wagons of friends or family who love you and can support you through anything you are going through. These wagons will be able to find compassion in what you are saying. These are the people who will grant you space to breathe, feel, and explore versus solving or pushing positivity. The members of your tribe who are able to grant you the space and the freedom to truly own your emotions will help you process to figure out exactly what you need.